my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
