it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish I only lived at night.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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