It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
