hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
