I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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