Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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