im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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