Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he puts the penis in happiness.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think your dad took our porno
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
