I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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