Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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