a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
