Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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