Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
