so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
