you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
