Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
