And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
