Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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