I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
