i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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