Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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