she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
