i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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