I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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