I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
