I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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