Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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