I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
