i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
