i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
