I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
