My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
