Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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