Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
