I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
