if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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