my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
