i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
