Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
