i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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