So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
