so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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