Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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