Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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