Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
