Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
pop tarts are not kleenex
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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