Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
