she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
