Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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