"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
