Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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