the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
